Chicago!

Surprise trip to the Windy City! Woo!

And I can say that beyond a doubt I love this City. I want to be its mistress and have illegitimate children with it.

So first some facts and figures. Cause if you know me you know I love facts and figures. Especially when we’re dealing with Cities and Countries.

At not even 200 years old, Chicago is the third most populated City in the United States at just 2.7 million residents. Being the biggest by far in the Mid-West and home of O’Hare airport, the second busiest airport in the world. Everybody wants a piece of Chicago it seems.

Chicago is also the stronghold of The Democrats (those who lean to the left, politically that is not physically), and was the City that brought along the rise of Barack Obama.

Being the first home of the Skyscraper, gangs also populated Chicago. Having 1000 gangs by the end of the 1920s. But most vandalous of all, the world's first controlled nuclear reaction took place in the University of Chicago as part of the Manhattan Project.

You may not know it but you might already have seen a lot of Chicago. Being the set for many movies including Home Alone, the new Batman Begins series, What Women Want, The Blues Brothers and High Fidelity.

“And each time I roam, Chicago is
Calling me home, Chicago is
One town that won't let you down
It's my kind of town”

So on to the interesting stuff. So if you’re at all interested. Even though driving as always would be quicker, Chicago is pretty easy to get to from South Bend. Just hop on the South Shore Line which takes you all the way deep into the heart of the city. Crossing through many towns and suburbs along the way. Not just going through them, but actually going along the street in residential areas. Imaging pulling your car out the drive one day only to be hit by a speeding train just in front of your house. These crazy Americans.

So me and Allen, my colleague who works upstairs who is in fact from Newcastle, headed along one of the many main streets only to notice what we originally thought was many Argentina flags hung everywhere. It took a short while to work out that we have a embarrassing misunderstanding of what the Argentinean flag looked like, and that Chicago has its own flag which is seemed, it was almost more proud of than the American flag. Which I can assure you is everywhere. Just in case you wake up one morning and forget what country you’re in.

As with most Cities, art is plentiful. But Chicago has some of the interesting structures I’ve seen in America. One very peculiar one being the Crown Fountain. I believe youtube has the best way of showing you what I mean by peculiar.

Notice how the LED face smiles when the old man gets his camera out. They can see us man, they know all.

None of the sculptures though caught my heart more than the massive shiny bean however. As soon as I saw this magnificant bean I know that was is. My search was over. “Jonny my man” I said to myself, “you are in love and you gosh darn know it”.

If I could take this bean home I would. I would take it everywhere with me and love it and polish its shiny exterior always. The only obstacle in my way of course is that I know the bean is happy where the bean is. And I couldn’t take that away from the bean. We both have out careers to think about after all. I want to travel the world, the bean needs to stay in Chicago being a bean for all the millions of people who ponder at it every year. But we will always have a place in each others hearts.

So while walking around Allen showed me a good game to place. Stand at the bottom of a Skyscraper, look at the top of it, then try and walk in any direction while keeping focuses on trying to see the top of the building. It’s particularly amusing. One Skyscraper we headed towards to see the views of the City from up high was the John Hancock Centre. The second highest Skyscraper in Chicago at 1127 feet (334 m) and 100 stories tall. The 44th story of which features features Americas highest indoor swimming pool. Allen having been to Chicago before knew a trick of the trade or two. When you enter you have the choice to either pay $15 and go to the observatory on the 97th floor. Or take a separate lift which will take you to the restaurant and bar which is only one story lower. By doing so you can spend that same $15 on a very good cocktail. Which of course I did without question, and proceeded to have the most alcoholic Long Island Ice Tea I’ve ever tasted. If you do ever find yourself in the Signature Lounge of the John Hancock Centre though and you want a tip from me, get ‘“The Perfect 10” Martini’. As you will then be served something which seems to be nothing else but 6 shots of gin.

The view from this building though is almost surreal. You spend your day enclosed by all these magnificent and tall buildings with no chance of seeing any sky except that straight above you. But when you see above these great buildings you see what seems to define most of the mid west. Flatness. Just flat land with the horizon the same distance away whichever way you look. If you wish could draw a line where the Skyscrapers in the inner city end and where the suburbs begin. And then another line when the suburbs end and there is nothing but flat land until you reach civilisation again. You may have your own opinion and it is probably far better grounded than mine. But the simple design of most American Cities and Towns are also their downfall. The almost Utilitarian way of the streets grid system, and the such precise well defined boarders as I mentioned above. It was as if every time they build a town they know exactly from the start what the town will look like hundreds of years from that point, and not leave it room or chance for natural growth that isn’t already decided beforehand, or even just a bit of chaos that make places so much more interesting to live in.

After such copious amounts of alcohol so early in the afternoon the only next logical step of course was to have an all you can eat Curry. After finishing only just my second plate and feeling the way I did I was beginning to understand why most Americans don’t seem to like walking very far.

‘My codes are perfect’

Hello my lovelies and blubies.

I was going to wait until my new camera arrived before I did another blog post so I could post up a video of the campus and where I live etc. But it won’t be here for another couple of days and it will probably take me a week to work out how to use the editing software properly. I sneaked a naughty copy of CyberLink PowerDirector from DC before I left.

So here’s some news. I’m getting a new camera!

What, you know already? Lies!

It’s a little HD number I ordered so I can film myself having sex with women I pay.

Why you ask? Simple reason. In England prostitution is legal (something I only found out after I left, pffft) but in America it is illegal (land of the free indeed). However if you film it and turn it into a porn film. Then not only is it not illegal, but you can make back the money you pay the escort as well. Everybody is a winner. Especially society.

The picture on the right might be a slight exaggeration. But I think you’ll agree it is just a telling of future events.

So I finally got around to making my first trip to see the sights of America outside of the already glamourous enough South Bend. And it is to…

…New York! The Big Apple. The Shining Metrotopia. The Money Maker. The Hobo’s paradise. The Granny Killer. The Skyscraper’s Tea Room.

It actually started of as trip to join Matt in a gaming convention in Connecticut land. But he said he wasn’t interesting in starring in any of my porn films. So I’m going to New York instead. Skevoulla’s been kind enough to put me up for the weekend and show me the sights. Call me crazy but I won’t be taking my new camera with me . I do have a little crappy one though I’ll take with me so I’ll see what I can get out of that.

Plodrick won’t be coming either . But honestly he says he’s alright with that. He’s not a big fan of big cities being a turtle and all. He’s going to attend to my crops while I’m away. The Goat arrived as well by the way. Here he is .

…

Shit, there’s a mix up. Better make some phone calls later.

My work was also kind enough to give me a bike. Yay!

I was also stupid enough to lose the key a few days afterwards. I get to walk past it everyday now as I walk into work. I should ask them if they have a spare but you know when you have that feeling that you’re only one day away from finding the keys again.

It also turns out that a British accent and a Blazer if enough to pass for ID in some places. They’re more than happy to serve you alcohol in a restaurant especially.

Now you’re all interesting, open-minded, adventure seeking people I’m sure. So a lot of you have probably looked into travelling abroad and doing volunteer work and the like. A friend recommended me this website the other day that I think is worth point out

International Volunteer HQ

You’ve probably seen a lot of places like Bunac, Student Volunteers, other Volunteer schemes etc. The problem with most of them is you pay out your arse for just a month or two. IVHQ I quite like the look of because for most of the placements you can choose anywhere between one week and six months. And they have a bloody load of places you can go. The standard price for a six month volunteer being ~$2750 (US dollars), covering everything (including accommodation and food) except flights and insurance.

My dream would be to do four different placements, each three months long. Where I’d cover South America, Africa and East Asia. But of course it all boils down to money and an Irish Stew. So I’ll be saving up when I can and I’ll see what I can afford at the end. High on the list though is Panda Conservation in China (yay pandas) and Turtle Conservation in Costa Rica. This makes Plodrick very happy . See he’s smiling.

There are also some of you out there who seem to find stuff like Physics interesting. Well I like to cater for all crowds. So he’s a little info on the work I’m doing at Notre Dame. I’ll cut a long story interesting though and spice it up a bit.

Basically there’s this big olde contraption in the basement under the physics building which likes to fire nuclei and ions together to form into a super-ion (super-ion being the same ion as before but with four extra nuclei). The super-ion then when it’s finished from saving redheads from burning buildings goes through a shit load of magnets so only the worthy super-ions can survive. During these dangerous trials there are often loads of leaky beams. Beams that leak evil everywhere. The worthy super-ions then crash into a detector and machines go beep and science happens!

And there we replicate the reactions that happen in stars! We are Gods in our basement!

My actual work is to make those leaky beams go away using the power of Jesus and some fancy C++ coding. I also do some crazy simulations so they know what equipment would best suit the detector but that’s not for a while yet.

I’ve bored myself now so here’s a picture of me at work.

Interestingly enough if you want to see the detector at any given point in the day or night. There’s a camera set up in the corner of one of the rooms it occupies that takes a photo every five minutes and uploads it here.

If you’re lucky you might even see me walking around pretending that I’m being of use.

 

 

Current Ben and Jerry’s count:

- nine eaten, forty-six to go

What happens when an Unstoppable Force meets an Immovable Object?

They share a pot of tea and talk about the weather.

First Impressions

So now I’ve settled in I think it’s a fair time to sit back and recap what I’ve noticed over my last couple of days here.

First of, Delta is the best Airline I think I’ve ever been on (although I haven’t flown Emirates yet). I had Cajun Chicken for Breakfast (the best breakfast, screw cereal, I want to start my day with dinner), and pizza for lunch. What else could you ask for except maybe Ice Cream. Oh wait, they gave me Ice Cream too. Huzzah.

Here’s a little fact Gemma told me before I came out to get me all excited and to amplify her own jealousy. There are fifty five different types of Ben & Jerry’s in the US, with only thirteen in the UK. And I tell you, they’ve kept most of the best ones for themselves. I say this with an empty tub of ‘Americone Dream’ on my desk. A flavour designed by none other than Stephan Colbert I have you know, which contains vanilla with fudge covered waffle cone pieces and caramel swirls. There is no way I am going to return to the UK anything less than three stone heavier.

                             

Actual size. Those guys are just really small.

The people here are so nice. Everyone I meet is all smiles and ‘have a good day’. It’s hard not to be smiley and friendly back when everyone does it to you. They tell me it’s because I’m in small-town USA. And that people are more uptight and mean in the cities. But take my new bank for instance. When I went down there today to account up my very own American account I met the branch manager who turns out is from Norfolk. I spent twenty years in South East England never meeting anyone from Norfolk to my knowledge, yet 3’500 miles away here’s one of them. Not only does the bank have a fireplace where customers can come in anytime and sit beside to read one of their newspapers and eat their cookies. But she also gave me some of the offices’ Tetley teabags once she found out I didn’t bring any English tea from home.

So it turns out Norfolk is here. I had no idea until I got home and checked. You can’t blame me though, it is quite far north.

It’s very cold in South Bend, being at the top if Indiana and Indiana only being one state away from Canada. The day I arrived happened to be the coldest day of the year so far (only 40 days to choose from so not that impressive) but it does mean that if I breathe in fast enough, ice starts to collect on my nostril hair. It’s amazing. I will never be bored walking again. Also if you were to head outside after having a shower and your hair is still wet, the water will freeze and you would experience rock hard hair in any shape you care to fashion it into before it freezes. Move aside Hammerhead.

 

 

 

 

So the Campus, I knew it was big and has lots of stuff but I swear the place just gets bigger everyday. Here is a little list of the stuff you can find on campus:

• The 80’000 capacity football Stadium
• The 50m, 18 lane Swimming pool
• Indoor Running track – it’s one of the most peculiar yet genius things I’ve seen. There’s this hall full of basketball courts with a 1/8 mile running track going around it but two floors up. So you can watch tall skinny skins jump while fat white boys sweat on them from above
• Gym specifically for Varsity Student Athletes, on top of the gym for the rest of us normies
• 2’600 capacity Ice Rink
• 11’000 capacity Basketball Stadium
• Big olde Catholic Church - named ‘Basilica of the Sacred Heart’ – powerful stuff
• Subway
• Burger King
• Hairdresser
• Barber
• Flower Shop (awwwww)
• Credit Union (similar to a banking society)

And of course a bunch of other stuff including your usual academic and admin buildings, more places to eat, more courts and sports facilities, and a very big Touchdown Jesus.

Didn’t I tell you about the Touchdown Jesus? Well let me start now. Basically on top of the University library is a very big mosaic wall of Jesus.

                    

Named Touchdown Jesus because back in 1968 when The Fighting Irish (all Notre Dame sports teams are named ‘The Fighting Irish’, it makes me happyface) took on Michigan State, they were 3 points down with only one play left to go. The Catholic Jesus then appeared and took the final play for The Fighting Irish, scoring a Touchdown. It just so happened that there was a bylaw in the College Football rules that allowed for such a circumstance. You probably haven’t heard of it as it was only the 1.5st coming of Jesus, not the 2nd coming. Which as everyone knows, is the real deal.

You take a look at the house I’m in and you can tell straight away it’s a student house. However something interesting about it is that it has no TV. Now some would find that a curse but I’m looking at it as a blessing. TV is merely a distraction from life. Plus I have the internet anyway. Any my nice Hard Drive full of British TV and films. I think the room I have here though is probably the biggest bedroom I’ve ever had. They sure build their houses bigger in America. They certainly have the space to do so.

There’s also a garbage disposal in the kitchen sink. Hours of fun.

Now everyone knows that Americans pretty much go anywhere in their cars. And that some towns and cities are even designed so it’s harder to walk around. South Bend is no exception. Luckily is does have pavements around the whole town, unfortunately about 2/3 of them are still covered by snow. Where back in Guildford, anywhere you wanted to go was about a 10/20 minute walk away, here it’s closer to 30/40 minute walk. So once I get paid I’m heading and buying one of these bad boys.

Although mine is unlikely to have an engine and will probably have pedals instead. Tires will likely be smaller too. Chances are it won’t be a Hayabusa either. But you get the idea. Bus system here is decent at least.

 

So I checked out the Mall. Interestingly enough it looks exactly the same as any Shopping Centre you’d get in England. But that’s to be expected. I also had a look at their Hot Topic. I don’t see what all the fuss is about. Walmart is big and cheap and apparently sells guns on the shelves but you have to go deep into the back they say. I’ll make sure I look properly next time. Downtown is where a lot of the pubs and restaurants are, while shopping they keep to places like the Malls which are further out of town. All the eggs have white shells. Just plain white. It’s something I don’t know if I’ll ever get used to.

I managed to bring Plodrick along with me as a Carry On . He enjoyed the flight, however they didn’t bring any turtle feed for him. And everyone knows turtles can’t eat pizza and ice cream. Yummy yummy ice cream. The Goat however was too big and would have sent me way over my limit so he is currently being shipping across the Atlantic. We’ll see him in a couple of weeks or so.

I need to go out and buy a pillow. You know what they say about you don’t miss something until it’s gone? That counts three times over in case of pillows. Stuffing a pillow case with hoodies doesn’t quite cut it.

To be a plane

What I would give to be a plane
To be able to soar high and free
For life on the crust can be such a bane
With so much to worry me

To own the skies above
To supreme the birds with quickened pace
No sparrow, no eagle, no dove
Will be able to match my grace

To soar, to cruise, to reach high in the sky
Only jealousy will come when you see me fly

To worry, to cry, to just wonder ‘why?’
A plane will never do
For it is truly free, and forever true

And when the skies are mine
When I have explored them all
Only then I hope to die
The glorious death, the Great Fall

To stand like giants for the first, and the last
Like a fallen angel cast from the heavens
The crust welcomes me, the ocean may beckon
As screams fill my hall
Such is the fate of the Great Fall

Zeroth and Two Third Impressions

So the ball is properly rolling and I’ve finally started applying for my visa!

This is actually a trumpet version of the Notre Dame fight song I have you know, all it needs to complete it is a Leprechaun being lowered from the roof throwing chocolate coins everywhere *now has a new destiny*

So as you can expect the application process is long and bureaucratic (and costly). As you can also expect the forms have a lot of security questions. Are you a terrorist? Have you ever funded terrorism? Are you planning to become a prostitute once in the US or have you been a prostitute in the last ten years? I assume if you were a prostitute eleven years ago all the coodies would have worn off by now.

One of the more interesting questions I found however was the good old:


‘‎Have you ever committed, incited, assisted, or otherwise participated in torture?’


Bear in mind one of the first questions you have to fill is where you list all the criminal convictions you’ve had. I’d like to go to the place where torture doesn’t count as a criminal act. By ‘I’d like to go’ I do mean of course not go at all ever.

My favourite question of all time however is the classic:


‎’Have you ever ordered, incited, committed, assisted, or otherwise participated in genocide?’


Genocide isn’t exactly a common place occurrence. At least I’ve been lead to believe. I’m surprised the form didn’t ask me if I’ve ever been in a suicide cult, or ever faked my own death to avoid numerous indecent public display fines, and spent the rest of my life stalking a paranoid celebrity.

Notice the term ‘ordered’ there too. I would love to meet the person who has been in the position to order a genocide and then decides to apply for a student research visa. Genocides aren’t something some hobo on the street can just conjure up one day. I can assure you that. As my good old Matt said, if you have managed to commit some kind of genocide and you have been subtle enough about it that you don’t think the Immigration services in the US will found out about it, it’s probably not that big a contradiction of morals for you to lie on your visa form (for those of you who haven't discovered Matt's own travel blog check it out here).

By ‘love to meet’ I do of course mean ‘punch in the face’.



So it’s time for an intermission. Here’s a turtle.


Haha it’s actually a goat!


Aww I feel mean now. Here’s the turtle I promised you. His name is Plodrick. Isn’t he nice.



So onwards to Notre Dame!


South Bend is actually classed as ‘the fourth largest city in Indiana, the economic and cultural hub of the Michiana region’ (thank you Wikipedia). This of course instantly makes it sound rather exciting. But America has a slightly different definitions of a city. For example, Hoboken City with a population of just over 41’000.

As soon as you get away from that thin strip that is the East Coast the population density dips and the distance between places of interest increases quite significantly. But South Bend still has a dignified population of over 107’000 in the city and 316’000 within the metro (which may or may not include the town of Mishawaka whose centre is only three miles from the centre of South Bend). And of course it is home to apparently four Universities (I’m guessing they class a University a bit differently than we do as well). Which probably contributes to the reason that it has its own Regional Airport. Pretty useful eh?

In case you haven’t otherwise been made aware. I have found a place to live in South Bend. It’s only a twenty minute walk from the Campus however I’d probably invest in a bike as America seems to have a noticeable lack of pavements. I’ll be living with three postgraduate students. Two of them doing Philosophy and the other doing Law. It should lead to some interesting dinner table conversation.

All houses in America seem to have massive basements, Bill Bryson can back me up on this. Reading his book ‘Notes on a Big Country’ Bill Bryson can also tell you that apart from laundry, the basements are hardly used. Just big wastes of space underground. The place I’m moving into being no exception. So if anyone has any bright ideas what I crazy antics I could use the space for please let me know. I think I’ve set this thing so anyone can comment if they wish. Let me know if it doesn’t work.

A spot of luck on my part (or maybe not). I received an email the other day from one of the guys already living there informing me there was a snowstorm recently and the roof above my bedroom had fallen in a bit and started leaking. I say this is a spot of luck on my part as it happened before I moved on, rather than afterwards. Luckily the landlord said it will only take two weeks to fix and they’re going to strength the roof and insulate it more while they’re at it so I can be all warm and cosy. If they’re not done in time then I get to stay rent free anyway and will be able to find a good use for that basement they have.
I just re-read the email from the guy living there and he said there’s a foosball table in the room next to the Basement. I am now very happy.

--Touching moment warning--


This will likely be my last post until I arrive and get settled in South Bend. Where my next post will be my ‘First Impression’ post. I would like to be emotional for a minute and say to all my dearest and closest here in England, I will miss you all so greatly and the only thing that I won’t enjoy about America is leaving you all for so long. You’ve made my life and my days fantastic. Saying that you are always welcome to come and visit me. Even if you don’t have a dying urge to stay in South Bend (I’ll let you off, travelling so far and all) I would be more than Happy to meet up with you in other interesting places in North America, as you know I hope to see as much of the continent as I can.

And I hope you bring you many stories as I can from my year. From crazy American antics to me trying to put on an American accent and see who I can fool. Otherwise I will have failed you deeply.

During my revision today I learnt about a process called the Triple Alpha process. Where three Helium Nuclei fuse into a Carbon Nucleus inside of a star. Without this process no heavier elements would be possible. As myself and most of what I love is made out of these heavier elements I would like to dedicate this blog post to the Triple Alpha process. May it watch safely over us all.

Zeroth and a Third Impressions

So Christmas was definitely Christmas. No doubt about that. An excess of drinking and eating which I'm sure is a sin many of us are guilty for around this time of year. But on the upside my family hath given unto me some useful Jonny-going-to-America themed gifts. 

Of these my favourite being a 1TB external hard drive. So before I head to America I can completely fill it (to the best ability of myself and DC++) with British movies, music and TV shows. Of which without I would very likely either go insane or possibly turn into a yank. Both have been problems in the past. 

Another couple of my favourites to remember are not just one, but two inflatable globes. So not only can I undeniably locate America on a globe. I can also make America kiss itself. 

My lovely Mother Dearest also gave me Bill Bryson's 'Made in America' which I have to say is a bloody interesting read. One I definitely recommend if you're planning to visit America or not. It goes from how America was founded, including many misconceptions, to even how the English language developed over that time.

I also quickly borrowed and read through Bill Bryson's 'Notes from a Big Country' and 'Stephen Fry in America'. Notes from a Big Country was very informative as Bill always is, annoyingly though it made the uncanny ability to build back up those stereotypes we usually assign to Americans which I had been trying to knock down over the last few weeks. He's very nimble with his statistics though. In one column he pulls out a massive 'Half of Americans are overweight, while a quarter are classed as obese'. Wowzer. Makes me wonder what they're defining as obese over there.

Stephen Fry's book was more of a road trip across America rather than analysing its culture. He doesn't go into detail on Indiana unfortunately but he does go into detail about it's nickname, 'The Hoosier state'. Where if you are an Indianan, you are known as a 'Hoosier'. The most interesting thing about these nickname he says is that no one can really pin down where it came from.  He does mention Elkhart though, which is a town very close to where I'll be going in South Bend. It is known apparently for being the RV centre for the US. Great...

Me and Gemma the other day looked up some tourist attractions in Indiana the other day while I was convincing her it is actually an awesome place. Unfortunately to our dismay the world's largest ball of twine resides in Kansas City. However Indiana is home to the world's largest ball of paint. How impressive is that ladies and gentlemen. It currently has around 34'000 coats of paint and the owner even lets you come and add a layer of paint to it if you so desired. Now how can that not make the 'do before you die' list I do not know or even want to know. 

Not too far from where I'll be is even a couple of nudist camps. One of them has a massive ladies leg that acts as a sundial for those nudists that are so hardcore they don't even wear watches. Now lately, and even a few times in the past I have had a want deep down to walk around naked in public and to do it proudly. To be able to do this legally would never stop to be a bonus. I can't promise a visit here but don't be surprised if I suddenly also start hugging trees and thinking I'm some sort of Druid who is one with nature. 

I've been doing a little more digging into what happens on campus and around South Bend as well. Turn's out there's actually two Universities in South Bend. University of Notre Dame and Indiana University South Bend (IUSB). I was rather pleased with this discovery. The chances that there may be little to do in a town with a University as big as Notre Dame is already quite low but a town with two Universities is very slim indeed. I want to get into some rivalry here. I've never seen it or met any of its students but for some reason I already have a indescribable urge to better and belittle IUSB. I could be getting too excited of course and once I get there it actually turns out that ND and IUSB all get on like a house on fire. But I have to say there's a same part of me that hopes that's not the case. I wanna get a Sharks Versus Jets routine going on here South Bend. Don't disappoint me. 

Notre Dame also seem to have every single (non-extreme) sport going on under the sun. They even have a Rugby club there. Something tells me that they view Rugby in the same way Brits view American Football so I may not be joining that club in a hurry. Now here's the thing. I could be quite willing to try out American Football while I was there. Live in Rome and all that. But they take their Football quite seriously over there. I've seen the University league coaches cry over loosing games. Something tells me they won't enjoy too much someone with no experience in the game showing up half way through the year. But this I will have to see. As long as I can use the campus' swimming pool I'll be quite happy with whatever sport I end up in. 

Anyhow I'm going to cut this here as I have the pressing matter of continuing my American education by watching reruns of South Park. So please do excuse me.