Zeroth and a Third Impressions

So Christmas was definitely Christmas. No doubt about that. An excess of drinking and eating which I'm sure is a sin many of us are guilty for around this time of year. But on the upside my family hath given unto me some useful Jonny-going-to-America themed gifts. 

Of these my favourite being a 1TB external hard drive. So before I head to America I can completely fill it (to the best ability of myself and DC++) with British movies, music and TV shows. Of which without I would very likely either go insane or possibly turn into a yank. Both have been problems in the past. 

Another couple of my favourites to remember are not just one, but two inflatable globes. So not only can I undeniably locate America on a globe. I can also make America kiss itself. 

My lovely Mother Dearest also gave me Bill Bryson's 'Made in America' which I have to say is a bloody interesting read. One I definitely recommend if you're planning to visit America or not. It goes from how America was founded, including many misconceptions, to even how the English language developed over that time.

I also quickly borrowed and read through Bill Bryson's 'Notes from a Big Country' and 'Stephen Fry in America'. Notes from a Big Country was very informative as Bill always is, annoyingly though it made the uncanny ability to build back up those stereotypes we usually assign to Americans which I had been trying to knock down over the last few weeks. He's very nimble with his statistics though. In one column he pulls out a massive 'Half of Americans are overweight, while a quarter are classed as obese'. Wowzer. Makes me wonder what they're defining as obese over there.

Stephen Fry's book was more of a road trip across America rather than analysing its culture. He doesn't go into detail on Indiana unfortunately but he does go into detail about it's nickname, 'The Hoosier state'. Where if you are an Indianan, you are known as a 'Hoosier'. The most interesting thing about these nickname he says is that no one can really pin down where it came from.  He does mention Elkhart though, which is a town very close to where I'll be going in South Bend. It is known apparently for being the RV centre for the US. Great...

Me and Gemma the other day looked up some tourist attractions in Indiana the other day while I was convincing her it is actually an awesome place. Unfortunately to our dismay the world's largest ball of twine resides in Kansas City. However Indiana is home to the world's largest ball of paint. How impressive is that ladies and gentlemen. It currently has around 34'000 coats of paint and the owner even lets you come and add a layer of paint to it if you so desired. Now how can that not make the 'do before you die' list I do not know or even want to know. 

Not too far from where I'll be is even a couple of nudist camps. One of them has a massive ladies leg that acts as a sundial for those nudists that are so hardcore they don't even wear watches. Now lately, and even a few times in the past I have had a want deep down to walk around naked in public and to do it proudly. To be able to do this legally would never stop to be a bonus. I can't promise a visit here but don't be surprised if I suddenly also start hugging trees and thinking I'm some sort of Druid who is one with nature. 

I've been doing a little more digging into what happens on campus and around South Bend as well. Turn's out there's actually two Universities in South Bend. University of Notre Dame and Indiana University South Bend (IUSB). I was rather pleased with this discovery. The chances that there may be little to do in a town with a University as big as Notre Dame is already quite low but a town with two Universities is very slim indeed. I want to get into some rivalry here. I've never seen it or met any of its students but for some reason I already have a indescribable urge to better and belittle IUSB. I could be getting too excited of course and once I get there it actually turns out that ND and IUSB all get on like a house on fire. But I have to say there's a same part of me that hopes that's not the case. I wanna get a Sharks Versus Jets routine going on here South Bend. Don't disappoint me. 

Notre Dame also seem to have every single (non-extreme) sport going on under the sun. They even have a Rugby club there. Something tells me that they view Rugby in the same way Brits view American Football so I may not be joining that club in a hurry. Now here's the thing. I could be quite willing to try out American Football while I was there. Live in Rome and all that. But they take their Football quite seriously over there. I've seen the University league coaches cry over loosing games. Something tells me they won't enjoy too much someone with no experience in the game showing up half way through the year. But this I will have to see. As long as I can use the campus' swimming pool I'll be quite happy with whatever sport I end up in. 

Anyhow I'm going to cut this here as I have the pressing matter of continuing my American education by watching reruns of South Park. So please do excuse me.

Donut

Okay so I'm making this quick cause I'm supposed to be drinking in my kitchen right now. But what's up with Donut? I mean honestly.


Okay lets do a little pop quiz. 


How would you pronounce 'do'?


Now how would you pronounce 'dough'?


Now how would you pronounce 'donut'?


See what I did there?


For us English folks, it would clearly be doughnut. It's a name made up of another two names and sounds as such, so we would ask why the hell have they dropped the u, the g and the h? I know Americans seem to love dropping u's anyway. With their color and flavor etc. But here they've dropped two entirely functional letters that phonetically pretty much make the word. I only moan here because when I see 'donut' I know I'm always going to pronounce it 'do-nut' no matter how hard I try to get it stuck in my head that it should be pronounced 'dough-nut'. Maybe I should just avoid them entirely.


Anyway moving on. Been talking to my uncle and the current MPhys guy out there about American customs and getting by. Apparently the word 'cunt' is extremely taboo. I can understand that, that seems reasonable. It's not a nice word anyway and there's much better words for describing that area (except fanny which means bum over there. I don't think I can ever hear fanny-pack without giggling). And I don't usually say cunt anyway. I may swear from time to time but it's always usually 'fuck my toe', or 'shit my angle', or 'screw you you whore'. But now I know it's taboo I just know I'm going to accidently say it. Not just once but constantly like my mind is trying to make life harder for me. I'm going to reference it in all manner of things I can tell. I'll probably start using it as a celebratory word knowing me ("Cunt yes! The Pie is done"). Maybe I can try and pass off that it means something else in Britain. Just like the word fag. Fag I will have fun with. Even though I know it means gay over there I'm going to constantly say such things as "Wanna head outside? I fancy a fag" to people and see how quickly I can make friends...


My uncle says it's very PC in some parts of America and that if you call a black person black it's extremely offensive and you should always refer to them as 'African American'. That will take some getting used to. How can I assume they're American for example? What if they're British as well. Or some completely different country from America. Or even if they're actually from Africa. I wouldn't like it if someone referred to me as 'Caucasian American'. I'd be like 'say what!?'. In fact calling someone African American is basically the same as calling me 'European American' or even 'European British' if they knew me better. Doesn't really have the same ring to it.

Zeroth Impressions

So I've been emailing some guys over there just to get an idea of what it's like, the University, the surrounding town, living in America and the like. But first off, what's up with your healthcare America!? I get it's all privatised over there and you're all little capitalists in your happy capitalist loving pants, but $400 a month for health insurance (price offered to me by the University's plan anyway) while most developed places in the world seem quite able to handle a free healthcare system? Luckily Endsleigh can cover me world-wide for an entire year (including return flights in case of family death/I start dying etc.) for about the same figure as a month over there. Good try America but for now it's Jonny - 1, US - 0.

Back to the town, by the looks of it South Bend is a standard small town out in the middle-of-nowhere-USA. Sounds like I should take a few hobbies with me to fill the time. Although Chicago is only ~an hours drive away and is described by one person as 'a mix between London and New York'. Sounds pretty interesting I say. Looks like I'm going to have to make good friends with some people who have cars. Either that or get a Motorbike. I wouldn't mind riding a motorbike. I could pull off that whole bad boy 'make my own rules' look. While I'm on the bike anyway and not talking to anyone. Hopefully they're cheap out there. 

That's a good point actually, when I do open my mouth and start talking what are these people really going to act like around me. Is it true they go mad for the British accent? In some places maybe, I bet I end up in the place where they hate outsiders. Either way my ex used to tell me when she lived in Boston she put on an American accent occasionally so she wasn't bothered while doing menial tasks. I'm going to have to work on mine before I head out there. I can be James Bond one minute and average Joe the next. They won't know what hit 'em. 

I could change my entire persona in fact. I've always liked the name Theodore. I should just tell them that's my real name. That Jonny is just a 'British stage' name. I could be 'Theo that British guy' around campus. I haven't tried it out yet but something tells me if people genuinely thought that was my name and called me so I'd probably have to start hiding a stiffy everywhere I went. Maybe we'll save Theodore for the ladies. Good old American ladies. I wonder what they're like.

Now drinking is going to be annoying. I don't turn 21 until August the 15th and America seems to have some problems with giving people liberty. I guess one trick is to scratch off the 1 in 15/08/1990 on my driving license and try and place the old date format game. Even though every other date on my driving license has a date which is clearly dd/mm/yyyy, like 21-01-10 for example. Gonna need a lot of scratching. Even better idea in fact, find out where my old passport is and deface the hell out of it. Trick here I think is to make my age 22 instead of 21. Every Tom, Dick and Harry with their fake IDs are going to try and pass off as 21, if I go and walk in with a British form of documentation stating I am actually the prestigious age of 22 then I am a shoo-in. But I'll have to get back to you on this one. Probably just get a fake ID. Where the hell do you get a fake ID anyway? A fake ID photo booth?

But back to the Campus. The Campus itself is quite nice. Built by French Monks apparently (explains the name) so big nice buildings. It's all Catholic by the way, Catholic buildings, Catholic people, Catholic Catholics. I went to a Catholic school and was baptised and all that snizz, but hell this is going to test me. They may not be that bad. I may be making a fuzz over nothing. But imagine being told not to curse, or use the lords name in vain every corner I turned. I would not make many friends quickly. I'm sure i can find some kool kats out there though. Crash some parties etc. Do the whole Sean Connery 'Nice party, shame I wasn't invited' thing. How can they say no? I hope playing the British card will do as much for me as I'm making myself believe. 

Ooo first good thing I've learnt about the Campus. They have a pub on it (it will soon be my second home) where on the Monday hot dogs are $1 and pints are $2. I will have to seduce the barman/befriend the barman for I have to get served there. If I can't even get served on the campus pub then I might as well give up alcohol and adopt some crappy healthy lifestyle. And we all know that that is not good for anyone.

It's Official

So. It's officially official, I will be heading off to the University of Notre Dame, Indiana, USA come February. So it may not have been my first choice and CERN may have turned me down but they'll regret their decision soon enough. Even if I have to reapply at a later date and then moan consistently if I get accepted about how they turned me down the first time.